Letters to Nobody
by xSakuraBlossom
Summary: Momo has nobody to talk to, so he goes on his computer and starts typing. What will be revealed? Warning: Angst, major character death


Disclaimer: I don't own PoT. I don't think I even own this idea I'm putting down here; I'm certain someone else has already written it. *Doesn't feel like being creative today*

A/N: I felt like writing something angsty. And I felt like writing another MomoKai, which seems to be a bit unpopular actually. I love MomoKai though, so I wanted to write one. But I also wanted angst. So, this is an angsty onesided MomoKai, with a major character death. Also, messed up conclusion. I don't like the conclusion, but I can't think of another way to end it, so we'll see…  
Oh, and if there are any grammar mistakes, it's because I put them there intentionally. I don't think Momo has perfect grammar, and if he's writing something like a diary (or a letter that nobody will ever read), he's not going to care about whether he's changing tense randomly or not, or if there's a sentence fragment.

Letters to Nobody

Kaa-san:

I'm feeling restless. I need to talk to someone, but this is something I can't talk to anyone about. So I'm talking to you, through my computer. Not that you'll ever read this anyways. But it makes me feel better to put this down on paper… or on the screen, same difference.

I can't understand myself, you know? I mean, we've been rivals forever. Like, worst enemies. From the first day we met, we were always fighting. Never let up since. And, well, it's starting to bother me.

I don't know why we fight. I don't know why I have this urge to throw everything he says back in his face. And I don't know why it leaves me with a bitter taste in my mouth every time he glares at me with hatred in response to some stupid comment I make.

I've never really considered myself confrontational. I like peace and quiet. I like making friends. Hey, I befriended Echizen, didn't I? But somehow, I just can't get through with him. We're always just fighting, and fighting, and fighting. What the hell is wrong with us?

And why the hell do I care? We're enemies, plain and simple. Why can't I just leave it at that, without trying to dig deeper for some… some "buried" emotions or something?

I don't know. But I don't think I can stop, now that I've started. I don't think I'll like where I end up, but now that I've started down this path, I don't think I'll be able to stop.

… somehow, this conversation (monologue?) is just making me feel worse. I'm confusing myself even more. So I'm going to stop writing for now. Hopefully this will be the only time you hear from me; I'll only write if I have more problems with this situation.

.::..::.

Kaa-san:

It's been a while since I needed to write to you, huh? I managed to calm down a bit, try and forget about the entire situation. It kind of worked. Since I last wrote to you, I haven't really thought about why our relationship is the way it is. But all of a sudden, it hit me again.

When? Well, that's kind of a funny story.

I was just going for a run, you know? Well, I don't go for jogs very often, but I was thinking, Mamushi runs all the time, doesn't he? And I'm supposed to be his rival, but I don't actually train as much as he does. That guy just trains all the time. How does he even have time to do his homework?

I'm getting off topic. So anyways, I was going for a run. I went by that park near the school, you know, the one with a swing set and a couple of seesaws, and benches on the side. And I saw him there. He was working out again. It was kind of hot today I guess, so he'd taken off his shirt. I never noticed before, but he's freaking ripped. Like, I'm pretty muscular myself, but I had nothing on him. It's crazy! I need to work out way more if I ever want to get close to competing with those muscles.

So he was doing pushups in the park, sans shirt, and I'm watching from the trees, half hiding but not really. I kind of didn't want him to notice me standing there watching him, right? How embarrassing would that be? So I'm kind of hiding from him. Watching those muscles flex and contract as he lowered himself to the ground and raised himself up again.

And then Inui walks into the scene. He stands right beside Kaidoh, scribbling something in his notebook. Gently, but firmly, just as Kaidoh pushes up again, Inui puts a hand on Kaidoh's ass. I kind of jerk, a little surprised, but then I realize that Inui's just correcting Kaidoh's form. And then I wondered why I cared in the first place. Even if Inui _was_ caressing Kaidoh's ass, why would I care?

So I'm still standing there, confused by my own feelings, and then all of a sudden I hear this rich, low laughter. I've never heard the sound before. I look up, and there's Kaidoh, laughing at something I didn't hear. Inui's got a smile a mile wide. And I'm in the shadows, an outsider, looking at something that so few people have ever seen before, and I feel like I've just seen a miracle. Kaidoh's laughing face is beautiful, open and carefree. It's such a far cry from his narrowed eyes and glaring face that it's almost like a completely different person. His laughter is deep and resonates through the air, touching some part of me I never knew existed. And man, that just sounded so clichéd, but yeah…

I think it was in that moment that I realized I was growing obsessed. I mean, I'd always thought about him a lot before. We were rivals, I was always thinking of ways to one-up him or beat him at something (usually tennis). But that was slowly shifting in to admiration- how devoted he was to tennis, how disciplined, how focused he always was. And I started wondering why we fought in the first place. And that escalated even more, and became obsession- I began thinking about him all the time, wondering what he was doing, who he was with, whether he was laughing again or not.

I think it was the laugh that caught me. That laugh that I never heard again.

And I felt jealous, that the laugh was not for me.

.::..::.

Kaa-san:

I'm back again. I thought I'd sorted everything out last time, but evidently not.

It's only been a week since I last wrote to you. That… really… isn't good, is it?

But here I am, pouring out my thoughts to you once more.

This will be the last time. I promise.

I don't know what to say, now that I've made the decision. It's kind of strange knowing that I'm about to do this. But I won't turn back now.

Well, I suppose I should explain what the heck I'm going on about.

Last time I wrote, I thought it was an obsession. It's not like other people haven't had obsessions before. Sometimes rivalry turns into obsession. Like the way Atobe kept saying he was Tezuka's only opponent or something like that. If that wasn't obsession, then I don't know what is.

But Atobe didn't like Tezuka romantically. That's the main difference between him and me.

I realized that I love Kaidoh. I really do. It might be irrational, but I love him. I love his determination, his ability to single-mindedly pursue a goal, his desire to win. I love his gruff exterior hiding a sweet interior that nobody ever sees, unless they're watching very closely. I love the way he looks when he's working out, but that's not as important. Even if he was ugly, which he really isn't, I think I would still like him.

Wow, that was a big confession. A month ago, I wouldn't have admitted he was anything better than the ugliest being on earth.

But it's too late. I'm too late.

I was kind of considering talking to Kaidoh about the whole situation. Asking why we fought. Offering the hand of peace. Perhaps attempting to be friends.

So, I followed him after practice. I wanted to become friends with him, but I didn't want to be ridiculed in front of the team. You know how they are, always teasing whenever something happens.

Anyways, so I'm following him, and then Inui appears out of nowhere. I've been tailing Kaidoh kind of discreetly, so neither of them notice me. But I'm close enough to hear their conversation.

"Thanks for meeting with me today, Kaidoh." Inui sounds calm, but there's a hint of something that I can't quite name. Not quite. Kaidoh has his poker face on- there's something going on behind that mask of his.

"There's a 78% chance you won't want anything flowery, so I'll just say it right out." Inui takes a deep breath, and I realize that he's nervous. Well, I'd be nervous too if I was trying to talk to Mamushi while he had his poker face on.

"… I like you, Kaidoh. I really like you. Will you go out with me?"

And all of a sudden, the poker face disappears. It seems that complete shock can strip even Kaidoh of his mask. And I see hints of things that I'll never get to experience for myself.

Kaidoh's surprise at the statement. Kaidoh's wonder. Kaidoh's relief.

And I suddenly understand. I never had a chance, even if I recognized my feelings earlier. I never had a fucking chance, because Kaidoh's heart already belonged to another person.

Kaidoh's lips moved, but there was this strange rushing sound in my ears, and I didn't hear the words. But I knew their meaning. I was screaming No, no, _no_, but Kaidoh said yes.

He said yes, and my heart shattered.

A month ago, I didn't even think I liked him. A week ago, I thought it was a mere obsession. And in that moment, far too late, I realized that I loved him.

So that's where I'm at. It's kind of a stupid situation, really.

I've got nothing left. You're gone. Kaidoh's with Inui. Heck, even Echizen's with … who was it again? Monkey King or something?

Either way, nobody's left. Nobody will care if I leave.

So I'm coming, Mum. Wait for me. I'll be there soon.

"_A mighty pain to love it is,  
__And 'tis a pain that pain to miss  
__But of all pains, the greatest pain  
__It is to love, but love in vain."_

_- Abraham Cowley_

_.::..::.  
_

Momoshiro Takeshi was buried the week after his last letter was written. At his funeral, they dressed him in a long sleeved formal shirt to cover the gashes on his wrists. He never would have picked such an ugly shirt for himself.

He was lowered into a hole in the earth, right beside his mother, who had died a year before.

They didn't find his letters until almost a year after Momo's death. By that time, Inui and Kaidoh had already split up. It just hadn't worked out.

The day after the letters were found, the following quote appeared on the internet.

"_The saddest thing in the world, is loving someone who used to love you." – Anonymous_

_*** OWARI ***_

A/N2: Those are real quotes, I found them using google! (and of course, you can always trust the internet…) So, tell me what you think about the story! I still don't like how I ended it, but I couldn't think of any other way… tell me how I can improve, what I should have done, anything! Flame me for all I care, just review!

Oh, and just in case… Kaa-san means Mother or Mom.


End file.
